Dreams

Lately I’ve started to hate dreaming
So I stay awake until my body gives out
Let me apologize to you first, I didn’t grow up taking sleeping pills
Nor did I grow up, really

Still held down by childish emotions
Jealousy has stayed by my side as long as I can remember
I am the main character of my story; for too long I was the sidekick to my own life
I say I can forgive and forget, but really, I can’t stop holding a grudge
So let me apologize to you again, I’m working on it.

I used to tell you about my dreams involving you, back when they were funny
Now, you still live in my dreams, and you haunt them just the same
So let me apologize for not telling you about my dream last night
But I know you, you can handle the truth, even if it’ll hurt you

Outside the window where I named you my love
I get out of bed, brush my teeth and turn to take a shower
As I take my shirt off, I’m shocked to discover I suddenly had the body I always wanted
The decade-long storm raging in my mind dissipates as if with the snap of a finger
The first thing I do? I go tweet about it (Or X it, whatever you want to call it)
I think I deserve to finally post a thirst trap, now that I am perceived as human by the rest
I finish my shower in my new body, finally feeling like I’ve arrived home

Until I see a calmness slowly turn to chaos
A storm creeps ever closer
I’ve grown quite used to these, so it didn’t surprise me
And it was summer season, where I’m usually lonelier than ever
I peacefully lay in my bed, my phone buzzing nonstop
It seems like it worked, I’ve got the attention I always wanted
A sense of loneliness resigns me to rot in bed, since I recently lost you
You’re probably having the time of your life right now that I’m out of it

So I close my eyes, as the sky explodes with rage
I’ve become who I want to be, so when do I get to feel happy?
Planes glide across the sky like migrating flocks of birds
Then I remember how we wanted to be there too, within foreign lands
And I see a flash, and another. And one plane gallantly falls from the sky, and another.
And another, and another, and another
Dangerously close to me, this newfound peace is short-lived
I tighten my fists, I clench my teeth, and I remember the last 30 minutes where I became human
I curl over for one last bit of warmth, just like how we used to
I prepare for the moment the bombs hit the ground

And I see the ground engulfed in flames, the sky choking with smoke
White turns to grey turns to black; the ventilation won’t last forever
Even as I breathe the clean air, unscathed by the shelling
I am bound to the horror, unmoving
Staring helplessly at the symphony of death staring back at me
Rotors slicing clean through the air like sharpened knives
Each one cutting clean through my heart like your words
Thousands of bodies of us lay littered on the ground
Each one a lost hope, a future that never came to pass
Pools of blood spreading endlessly through the grass and into the soil
Finding its way through its roots back to me, welling in my heart and in my tears
They say heaven doesn’t exist, but I really tried to make one for us both.
Now I’m desperately pushing back the toxic air from my lungs
As my vision turns to white.

And I wake up, back in this prison I can hardly call a body
Still without you, that part hasn’t changed
And lately I’ve begun to hate dreaming
I see you too much in them, one way or another
Lost in this city, or lost in the city I vaguely remember as home
Or in the city that I could never call home
People laughing at me everywhere I go
Turns out the more languages I learn
The more people I can understand when they make fun of me
I have no home to turn back to, really
Nothing except you, but I once again had to move
A symphony of planes in perfect chaos
All I can hope is to fall into my perfect place within them
So, tell me. How can I ever sleep again?