home, once again
i closed my eyes and there it was a
silent glittering hall
colors in and out
like lights flickering
memories flail around
like ghosts fluttering
floating around carelessly
a purposeful invitation
a gentle poltergeist
the danger is always near
the room where i keep all my costumes
for when i can’t be myself
i nicknamed this one the mute
cause it’s all muted colors
for when i can’t be too eclectic
and that one is the hetero
it’s what i wear for boring, plain occasions
and over there is called the fear
we don’t talk about that one
i clumsily drape myself in the fear as the airplane takes off
cut out of flamboyant colors and extravagant fabric
but adorned with so many patches of
mute colors and cheap accessories
with a tight steel bone corset
i added that one after all the weight comments
can’t really breathe in it but I get seen now
as more of a human being than without it
it conveniently hides the tattoos and the piercings
not a great time to show them off
a seven-hour flight
where i wear the fear for a whole month
how exciting
i usually sleep through most of it
this time i couldn’t sleep
thoughts of borrowed time slip my mind
how much longer could i keep the charade up
when will the danger come to pass
like a sea of never-ending sand
constantly blown by the wind
but never enough to uncover what lies beneath
though i am the son they wished for on the surface
inside i am the person they feared i would become
i see it as our plane passes by the zagros mountains
it’s a rather breathtaking mountain range
on land and on sky
but like all mountain ranges, two tectonic plates had to collide
with tremendous force
over hundreds of millions of years
for true beauty to form
each second, ever so slightly pressing against each other
though i suppose i feel more like a volcano at times
building up more and more pressure until eventually
everything just explodes
we pass by the gulf sea and by that time
it’s already pitch black
gazing at an endless blanket of nothingness
the plane still moving but it feels almost still
in place, just floating, until we start seeing land again
roads and streetlights like capillaries
perfectly set in a web of a living, breathing body
the plane – as it lands – and as i exit
i get a quick breath of sticky, hot, humid air
getting my luggage and my passport stamped
and leaving as heavy-hearted as i am
and there they are – home, once again